– Use this activity to draft a revision plan. What projects need the most time and work? Where do you want to focus most on each (organization, content, sentence-level details, etc.)? Why?
– At least 300 words.
– I will include my work that I will be revising by the end of the semester below.
– Here are my teacher notes for each essay (which are helpful when revising):
#1 : You’ve got a really solid proposal here. You did a great job immediately establishing your purpose, and the headings helped with organization and aid in selective reading for your audience.
My biggest suggestion is to split up the literature review into a couple paragraphs. A full page paragraph is often difficult for readers to get through (not impossible, of course, but it’s easier to remember information when you have small bits focused on one idea), and you’ll want to encourage your audience to keep reading.
I also had a suggestion about your survey questions. In them, you’ve got a question about whether they have Facebook, but your proposal is focused on social media in general. Maybe you could rephrase the question to first ask if they have social media? And if they do, provide a write-in option where they specify what platform they use?
#2 : Excellent work! Your use of headings aided in organization and allows selective reading of your research. Your organization itself is strong–the way you began with an overall introduction before breaking off into a separate introduction for social media was an excellent way to make sure the reader knew what the overall point is.
I have a couple of suggestions. I liked the way you broke down individual effects of social media, but I couldn’t tell if they were intended to show how social media leads to depression. Making the link clearer is a good place to start.
One way to do this would be to introduce depression and mental illness like you did social media–there, you could describe things that lead to declining mental health and then show how social media instills these things in people.
#3 : I like the way you structured your editorial–adding the title + author/date line was a good idea. I like your call to action–suggesting online support is an interesting approach, and you certainly have the research background to suggest it.
However, there are a few points where I think a content change is necessary. My biggest suggestion is reorganization. Your argument is that excessive social media use leads to increased risk of mental illness, but your call to action suggests using safe platforms to cope with mental illness. Though I see your point, the call to action doesn’t follow the argument structure you’ve used so far–it seems to run counter to the point of your article. Maybe instead of outlining how social media can cause mental illness, you reference the trend but spend your focus on describing what you mean by safe platforms and expand on this idea of coping through online support.
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